I wannas sexs uuuuu
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was like giving head to a cactus.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
