If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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