My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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