dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize