nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
