so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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