We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
