Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
