I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
