Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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