pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize