The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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