If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
