1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
