thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
