Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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