your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
