I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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