I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
