My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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