Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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