i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
