And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
