TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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