theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
