____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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