i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
