fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
