4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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