Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
