I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
