I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
