I accidentally had phone sex last night
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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