the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
