I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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