last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
