Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize