and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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