My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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