so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize