So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
