Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
