I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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