Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
