Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
