Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize