i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
