thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
