just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize