it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
