Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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