I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
