Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
