I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
