i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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