Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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