and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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