I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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