I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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