I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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