go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
