I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can't special order awesome
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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