Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize