I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
